Monster
by Srienia
Summary: He would not give in to the urge he felt resided inside him, the evil cycle that abusers went through, from victims to monsters. However he couldn't stop, and apparently nobody saw the signs.  songfic over Monster by Skillet   slash-ish


**Title: **Monster**  
>AuthorArtist: **Srienia**  
>Rating:<strong> FRT  
><strong>Characters: <strong>Morgan  
><strong>Pairings: <strong>Morgan/Reid,**  
>Words: <strong>approx. 1500**  
>Spoilers: <strong>Profiler Profiled, Revelations,**  
>Warnings:<strong> vague mentions of drugs and abuse and guyxguy**  
>Summary:<strong> He was the 1 in 8, but he would not give in to the urge he felt resided inside him, the evil cycle that abusers went through, from victims to monsters. However he couldn't stop, and apparently nobody saw the signs. (songfic over Monster by Skillet)

Without Prejudice. The names of all characters contained here-in are the property of CBS. No Infringements of these copyrights are intended, and are used here without permission for my own, and hopefully others', entertainment with no profit earned. Nor do I own the song Monster it belongs to the band Skillet.

**AN:** Big thanks to Jade, your encouragement has really meant a lot and I've finally pulled myself together to post a story

Any and all criticism is welcome: clarity of the plot, words I had wrong, even if you feel like giving me a lesson on grammar - I would love to improve my writing.

* * *

><p>He would not give in to the urge he felt resided inside him, the evil cycle that abusers went through, from victims to monsters, but he couldn't stop, and apparently nobody would stop him.<p>

ΦΦΦ

_The secret side of me, I never let you see  
>I keep it caged but I can't control it<br>So stay away from me, the beast is ugly  
>I feel the rage and I just can't hold it<br>_  
>A wall went down for the sledgehammer. They had saved Reid from one monster, he had felt his heart clench and throat constrict when they had found the tracks into the corn field and had for once been able to direct the monster's rage towards something else, towards finding Reid. Yet as soon as they had found him he had felt the familiar urges come back with a vengeance, he hadn't dared go near the kid; he knew he wouldn't be able to control himself.<p>

_It's scratching on the walls, in the closet, in the halls  
>It comes awake and I can't control it<em>

He just couldn't get rid of it, every time he saw Reid, especially when they weren't on a case, he could feel the monster inside him roar. He tried to divert the monster, giving it a string of females that lately frequently looked like Reid, but it only had limited success. He barely kept it in check during the day with pats on the shoulder and ruffling the hair of the younger man.

_Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head_  
><em>Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?<em>

Why didn't anybody see the danger he represented to the kid.

_I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin  
>I must confess that I feel like a monster<em>

He abandoned the tools and just hammered on the wall with his fists, there was no reason for him to use the sledge, the wall was only of plaster and he needed to have an outlet, to have a physical pain to focus on. Locking up the monster had become harder ever since they had gotten Reid back. It had been obvious that he was using drugs after a short time. But he had pulled himself out of it after only half a year he was clean again.

_I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun_  
><em>I must confess that I feel like a monster<em>

Even during his habit he had been beautiful, but afterwards he blossomed and now it was neigh impossible to keep the monster locked up when he was near the younger man. It had been that way for years during the day, but now the monster had taken over his dreams too; turning them into nightmares when he woke.

He looked at the wall, there was little left of it, yet he could still feel the pulsating energy break his body, making it impossible for him to rein himself in around the other. He had to find a room with another plaster wall if he didn't want to permanently damage his fists against a brick wall.

_I, I feel like a monster  
><em>Oh those hazel eyes  
>That wonderful smile when he told the young man a joke<p>

_I, I feel like a monster  
><em>That lithe frame  
>The way the muscles felt beneath his hand when he would let his hand rest a moment too long after a pat to the shoulder<p>

_My secret side I keep hid under lock and key  
>I keep it caged but I can't control it<br>'Cause if I let him out he'll tear me up, break me down  
>Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?<br>_  
>Another brick wall went down, turned to dust by the sledgehammer, behind it he finally found another one of plaster. He would not become the monster he knew his childhood trauma encouraged. Abused kids sometimes turned into abusers themselves, it was 1 in 8. He would not do that, he knew that it was the breakable, the part that was so easily hurt and already damaged that attracted him to the younger man. Why didn't anybody see this, why didn't anybody stop him? He worked with people who were trained to stop predators, yet none of them pinned him. Gideon had noticed the footpath killer even though it was only a random encounter, so why didn't Gideon notice him put an end to him?<p>

_I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin  
>I must confess that I feel like a monster<br>I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun  
>I must confess that I feel like a monster<em>

How many times did he have to wake up drenched in sweat from dreams where he marred creamy skin along the jugular when he traced it, or bit along the collarbone. Why did he have to wake up with his ears still ringing from the assault of soft sighs and moans? Breakfast was a necessity ever morning because whatever might have been left in his stomach from the previous evening, the dreams caused him to lose in the toilet.

_I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin_  
><em>I must confess that I feel like a monster<em>  
><em>I, I feel like a monster<em>  
><em>I, I feel like a monster<em>

It was the same undulating desire that came up in him when he saw the young man bend down for papers he dropped, or straighten up while he stirred copious amounts of sugar in his coffee, the way those piano fingers would grip the spoon. He pounded away on the plaster wall, he had to get those thoughts out of his head.

_It's hiding in the dark, it's teeth are razor sharp  
>There's no escape for me, it wants my soul, it wants my heart<br>No one can hear me scream, maybe it's just a dream  
>Maybe it's inside of me, stop this monster<em>

It had been bad for years, the feelings refused to leave him alone no matter what he did. He had tried to embrace homosexuality finding somebody who wasn't so damn easy to hurt, break, or outright crush like Reid, only to find that they didn't hold the slightest attraction to him.

It had been so hard to rein in the monster last time he had seen the kid in the break room, all on his own. Had been hard to not to just slam that slim body up against the wall and attack those lips that softly sipped the content of the cup. Reid hadn't realized he was the subject for the inner fight just asked if everything was alright, if it had been a late night. _  
><em>  
><em>I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin<br>I must confess that I feel like a monster  
>I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun<br>I must confess that I feel like a monster  
><em>  
>Just the nick-names he had for Reid; kid and Pretty Boy. How clear did he have to make it for his colleagues that he was on the wrong side of the fence? They <em>knew<em>about his past, they had found out. He had been certain they would pick up on his behavior after that, yet they hadn't. How freaking obvious did he have to be!

_I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin  
>I must confess that I feel like a monster<br>I've gotta lose control, he something radical  
>I must confess that I feel like a monster<em>

Why did _Reid_ have to be so different, why was there no one else that appealed to him. He was going to lose control at some point he could feel it the way the monster had gained control over him lately. He wanted somebody else to have an outlet on. The plaster wall didn't even stand for one of his hits anymore his fist going clean through it each time he landed a punch, a part of the wall shattering with a satisfying crunch.

He didn't want to hurt anybody, but especially not Reid. _  
><em>Why couldn't he find somebody else!_  
><em>Why didn't they see!_  
><em>Why was the kid so damn open!_  
><em>  
><em>I, I feel like a monster<br>_He could transfer out of the BAU, but he would only end up a predator of somebody else

_I, I feel like a monster  
><em>He could transfer out of the BAU, but people knew him there and would be able to see if the monster broke out

_I, I feel like a monster  
><em>He could transfer out of the BAU, but then nobody would know who had taken Reid when he finally lost control

_I, I feel like a monster  
><em>He could transfer out of the BAU, but the monster wouldn't let him

ΦΦΦ

His cell beeped, the display letting him know it was Garcia calling. He looked at the pieces of wall in front of his feet, the white sprayed with red here and there, the sledgehammer forgotten in another room.

He couldn't keep this to himself anymore; he would self-destruct if he kept on this path.

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><p><strong>EDIT<strong>: In case I didn't convey this properly: this is just how Morgan sees his desire for Reid before he learns to accept his feelings as 'love/desire/lust' instead of a result of what Buford did to him. It is in no way the way I see him.

This song fic deals with emotions on a level I'm not used to write on and don't know how I'd manage to continue this. I should have marked this as complete when I posted it, my apologies to those who have subscribed to the story already. Thank you for doing so though it has really encouraged me to try to finish some of the stories I have on my desktop


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